The human mind (ego) can play some pretty nasty tricks on us at times. Very often I will give a gentleman info on a new match with her phone number and he will call her, excited to meet a new lady and hoping that she will finally be “the one.” A day or two or three will pass, and I get a phone call from him notifying me that his match has not returned his phone call. Its important to avoid reading too much into a missed first date.
He will then go on and on with possible scenarios as to why she did not return his call. “Maybe she got back with her ex, or she is not serious about finding a relationship, or she probably did not like my voice on the phone or my description.” I sit there patiently listening, then give my usual response, “ The fact is, you don’t have any idea why she hasn’t returned your call, so why make-up these elaborate reasons and stress yourself out? Let me call her and find out — and I will let you know.”
More often than not, I will call or e-mail the lady and ask what is going on. It usually turns out that she was just swamped with work, had family in from out of town, or she herself was out of town and was planning to call him as soon as she had a free moment to relax and talk to him. She did not go back to her ex, dislike his voice, or any of the hundred reasons he came up with.
It is very important to get out of our own way and not to listen to the ego — the voice in the head that is constantly creating drama and scenarios that may or may not be true but for sure will drive you crazy. A story comes to mind about one of my husband’s best friends since childhood, Alex. When my husband and I got married in Mexico City, invitations went out to all of his friends there. Alex received his, but didn’t even open it up because he figured that the wedding was going to take place in Los Angeles where we lived, and he didn’t have the time or money to make that trip. My husband was hurt that Alex did not contact him or show up to the wedding since he only lived a few miles from the church.
My husband didn’t speak to him for about five years over this incident. It was only recently that we even learned what had happened (Alex jumping to the conclusion that the wedding was in L.A.) on our trip to Mexico for my mother-in-law’s funeral, Alex reached out and we met he and his wife for breakfast, where we finally heard the whole story. I remembered my father telling me as a child, “Never assume.” How right he was.
Here’s an example of a situation with my clients that illustrate how people often jump to conclusions. This mindset only perpetuates the frustration and negativity around dating in general, the very last thing you need.
This feedback was written after the couple had gone out on 2 dates:
Hi Marla,
Update on Marissa. Believe it or not, I never saw her again. We had a fantastic first date. I mean it really clicked. I tried to play it cool, but she grabbed my hand to hold it while walking to her car. She told me to kiss her. We then made plans for our next date. Over the next two weeks, things came up with her, for example at work, with family and then sickness. But she kept insisting how much she wanted to see me again. We were all set to see each other last Sunday but then she called and told me she had the chicken pox. I said something like, “I’m sorry you are sick, lets try to do something when you are feeling better. Midweek I phoned. She never returned my call. I have not talked to her since. I don’t get it? I feel like I got teased. I am asking you to contact her and get feedback for me.
Thank you,
Nathan
I did get feedback from Marissa, she told me that she really likes Nathan but she has been very sick and planned to call him as soon as she was feeling better. So Nathan jumped to his own conclusions and felt teased and frustrated when, in fact, there was nothing wrong, Marissa was just ill. If someone does not get back to you right away, keep yourself busy with other things. Don’t jump to conclusions, because you really have no idea what the other person is thinking.
Just some for food for thought to avoid reading too much into a missed first date.
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Avoid Reading Too Much Into A Missed First Date !
